Hi gang - I apologize for a distinct lack of pictures and change of tone/rambling, but recent events have left me in need of laying out some thoughts/emotions rather than just providing a list of activities. I included "musings" in my blog description to allow for this inevitable post of thoughts rather than actions, so you can't say I didn't warn you...
Generally speaking, I was really excited for this week's start to finally visiting communities to collect data for a map of the muni as well as an analysis of the existing/necessary infrastructure. Given this excitement, I was blindsided and overwhelmed by the feelings of frustrated anger/indignation/sadness that RAPIDLY replaced my energy. It's felt quite debilitating (generally, when I get frustrated it leads to me getting frustrated at my frustration, which rapidly degenerates and leaves me a useless pile of mush).
Before freaking out, mom, please read on...
My work-related frustration has taken 3 forms (based on different interactions with community members) and has taught me 3 pointed lessons (or, I should say, reminded me of 3 lessons I seem to keep learning over and over...):
- Anger: When a group of community leaders was clearly drunk when they show up to our meeting
- This drove me absolutely up a wall when it happened the other day, but looking back, I have to remind myself that first, we were really late:
- Our first day out, my muni counterpart, Pedro, who was arranging all of the meetings, underestimated how much time each community would take, so our later meetings were delayed up to 3hrs. When people show up 3hrs late for a meeting time (because that has happened to me here...), I know that frustrates the heck out of me - can't blame them for just peacing out after an hour or two of waiting...
- I had already been warned by my friend at the muni, July, who told me to keep all meetings before mid-day, b/c men tend to visit with one another/drink in the afternoons after kids get home from school at 12 - by the time we got to the community, it was past midday
- The drunk community also happened to be one of the poorest with the bleakest outlooks
- This of course is NOT to say that poor=drunk (in fact, Evangelical Christian communities have grown rapidly in this region partially in reaction to rampant alcoholism that they are trying to combat)
- This particular community has been around for a while, has no prospects of finding or having the money to purchase land to expand (water sources, schools, community centers, etc.) as they need, they live on pretty poor farm land, and their corn crop (basically their life-blood) is almost completely lost with this year's draught
- In my past service, I've worked with and gotten to know plenty of people experiencing poverty and homelessness that live with (or have beaten) alcoholism and other addictions
- At this point, I like to believe I have empathy for the fact that the sheer helplessness of crippling poverty can simply be too much for people to handle, and drinking comes as a release from the cruel reality
- My take-away: Judgement and anger are NOT the answer - if I'm here to serve them, I need to meet them where they are to walk with them instead of expecting them to come to me
- Also, the moonshine they brew around here is crazy cheap, 90%+ alcohol content, and despite all that, doesn't taste half bad - at this altitude, it's hard NOT to get wildly intoxicated even with a few sips really
- Indignation: When a group of community members does not respect me (generally involves extra-meeting chatting in Quiche and chuckling about who-knows-what when I'm trying to hold a meeting)
- This generally happens in communities that are pretty remote and who only speak Quiche
- Usually it's a group of men whose Spanish may, in fact, be worse than mine (which, combined with how not-great my Spanish currently is, can be quite problematic for communication)
- The men both don't feel comfortable speaking to me in (or understanding my) Spanish, and they probably don't feel comfortable with the fact that I'm a woman
- While my gut reaction is to feel righteous indignation about gender stereotypes at work and suspected talking behind my back in a language I don't understand, the fact is, I'm doing lots of speculating
- Also, it's more important for them to connect with the male muni workers speaking to them in Quiche b/c it's more comfortable for them (language and gender) as well as important not to get in the way of an opportunity for a local relationship to be strengthened
- My take-away: I need to get over my pride so I don't undermine my work - I am NOT the focus of this project
- side note: when it comes to promoting gender equality, I will instead try to be conscious about greeting any women who might be present at a meeting (as they are usually sitting at the back/out of the way if they are there at all) and ask their opinions if/when the opportunity presents itself
- Also, I don't want to sell the communities short - while I don't see eye-to-eye with many of the men here on machismo and the role of a woman, I respect them and the tremendous work and hardships both men and women face daily with outstanding grace and faith
- Sadness: When a group of community members starts getting really exciting about all of the projects they need/want
- This has been the hardest one for me to deal with, because upon further reflection, this isn't a frustration of judgement or pride on my part, it simply part of the job - I need to get them to think and explore all possible concerns they might have for their community in the form of a wish list, but I can't even come close to promising that all will be completed
- Despite my best efforts to explain the difference between an analysis and a promised project, the meetings usually end with a lot of excitement and hope for what projects they'll see addressed soon
- My wild inadequacy and inability to see even a fraction of these projects through is enforced by the numbers: out of 11/140 communities I've visited thus far, I have a list of requested projects 100+ long ranging from simple and straight-forward to extensive and decidedly bleak in prospects of ever happening (within this generation at least)
- My take-away: I need to keep reminding myself that I can't hold myself responsible for completing all of these projects
- A false sense of messiah-ism just leads to more pride and a tendency to be paralyzed by how overwhelming the situation is which ultimately leads me to wallow in guilt and frustration and be totally useless
- Instead, I need to use their excitement and hope as energy to do the best possible job I can prioritizing, planning, and identifying where to seek further external assistance and where to recommend internal solutions
The final, "sadness" point has definitely been emphasized/drawn out more with the recent, very public, deaths of Michael Brown and James Foley. I don't have much to say about Ferguson other than I'm sorry to see anyone die in that manner and I hope justice, truth, and comfort for families affected by violence can be found in the midst of all of this.
More, I'd like to say a few words about Jim, because I had the great fortune to see him and shake his hand when he came to campus a few years ago to speak about his captivity in Libya in 2011. I saw many speakers during my time at MU, but I found few as captivating and charismatic as Jim - he was open, earnest, witty, funny, and extremely humble all at the same time.
He also stuck out because some of the stories and footage he shared touched me deeply, both shattering any romanticized ideas of a war zone and impressing me with his astounding faith, not only from his life spent in the Catholic faith, but also what he gleaned from Islam during his time and work in the Middle East. I distinctly remember the grace and poise with which he responded to what felt like a semi-leading question along the lines of "What was your experience with Islam during captivity" by stating clearly his respect for the devout Muslims who shared their faith with him both during his travels and while in captivity - as much as he talked about his experiences praying the rosary and reading from the Bible, (both of which are wonderful to hear him give witness to), he also had some outstanding stories of brotherhood and peace that came from time spent praying with and learning from the Muslim men who shared his cell for a portion of his captivity.
These stories spoke to me about his deep faith as well as his openness to loving and being loved by people who didn't share his same faith background. All of this to say it's filled me with great sadness to learn about the manner of Jim's death and the simple, heart-wrenching fact that his incredible spirit of faith and love has been taken from all of us. My prayers and condolences go out to his friends and family - I can only imagine how incredible it must have been to know him on a personal level and how much harder that must make it to lose him. I'm also very happy to see the focus that has been placed on his life and his memory.
Yikes, that ended up way longer than anticipated, but lots has been swirling around in my head apparently... I'll get around to an "action" post soon(ish) with pictures and happy notes, but as mentioned, all of these forms of frustration and overarching sadness have left me a bit backlogged on paperwork, so bear with me!
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